Mass Effect The Musical
by Kendoka Girl
Summary: Yes, it's Springtime for Saren. There's a Fiddler on the Citadel. Benezia at the dawn of a new age. The Thorian of the Opera.
1. Springtime for Saren

W/N - Inspired by Jen's lovely parody. Sung to The Producers, Springtime for Hitler.

Cast: Saren, Benezia, and a bunch of Geth.

Other malarkey - Ran 7 miles, swam 1/2 mile, weights, Iaido practice.

Mass Effect - The Musical

CHORUS:  
Galaxy was having trouble  
What a sad, sad story  
Reapers needed a new leader to restore  
Their former glory  
Where, oh, where was he?  
Where could that turian be?  
We looked around and then we found  
The turian for you and me

LEAD TENOR GETH TROOPER:  
*squeak, beepy beepy boop* (translated as)

And now it's...  
Springtime for Saren and the Geth  
Heretic Station is happy and gay!  
We're marching to a faster pace  
Look out, here comes the machine race!  
Springtime for Saren and the Geth  
Haestrom's a fine world once more!  
Springtime for Saren and the Geth  
Watch out, Citadel  
We're going on tour!  
Springtime for Saren and the Geth...

CHORUS:  
Look, it's springtime

LEAD TENOR GETH TROOPER:  
Winter for Noveria and Feros!

CHORUS AND GETH TROOPER:  
Springtime for Saren and the Geth!

CHORUS:  
Springtime! Springtime!  
Springtime! Springtime!  
Springtime! Springtime!  
Springtime! Springtime!

GETH TROOPER:  
Come on, Geth  
Go into your dance!

GETH TROOPER "Rick":  
I was born a Heretic and that is why they call me Rick.

GETH TROOPER "Bob":  
Don't be stupid, be a smarty, come and join the Reaper party!

BENEZIA:  
Saren is coming, Saren is coming, Saren is coming!

GETH TROOPER "Rick":  
Yay, Old Machines!

GETH TROOPER "Bob":  
Yay, Old Machines!

LEAD TENOR GETH TROOPER:  
Yay, Old Machines!  
Springtime for Saren and the Geth

ALL:  
Yay, Old Machines!

SAREN:  
Yay myself  
Yay to me  
I'm the turian  
Who's out to change our history  
Yay myself  
Raise your hand  
There's no greater  
Rogue Spectre in the land!  
Everything I do, I do for you!

CHORUS:  
Yes, you do!

SAREN:  
If you're looking for a war, here's Revenge of the Reapers!  
Yay myself  
Raise your can of oil


	2. Fiddler on the Citadel

W/N - Yep, I'm in a weird mood. Many thanks for enjoying this with me.

Other malarkey - _Tsuki_ night. I managed to pop every opponent in the throat with a thrust. _Shobu ari!_

**Fiddle on the Citadel**

Starring:

Shepard  
Anderson  
Udina  
Turian councilor  
Asari councilor  
Salarian councilor  
Tali  
Williams  
Alenko

***Curtain***

The Councilors stand above Shepard, Anderson and Udina as Tali presents the Geth recording of Saren and Benezia.

UDINA: (Waving his hands in grandiose fashion)

You wanted proof, there it is!

TURIAN COUNCILOR:

It's irrefutable. Saren will be removed as a Spectre immediately.

ASARI COUNCILOR:

And the other voice, that's Lady Benezia.

SALARIAN COUNCILOR:

Oh, no, what will we do?

UDINA:

Send your fleet into the Traverse!

ASARI COUNCILOR:

There is a way to stop Saren without fleets.

TURIAN COUNCILOR: (Shaking his head)

No, it's too soon.

SALARIAN COUNCILOR:

I think it's time. What do you think, Shepard?

*Anderson and Udina begin bouncing up and down in alternate rhythm*

Oompah Oompah Oompah Oompah Oompah

SHEPARD: (Slowly begins to walk and puts her hand on her chin as if thinking)

If I were a Spectre,  
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.  
All day long I'd beat up on the Geth.  
If I were a Spectre chick.  
I would track down Saren.  
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.  
If I were a Spectre chick,  
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

*Anderson and Udina pirouette around each other as Tali slides on her butt in front of them*

SHEPARD

I'd fly our ship to Therum,  
Right in the middle of the ruins.  
A deep tunnel with lots and lots of Geth.  
There would be one long elevator just going up,  
And one even longer coming down,  
All leading to one Asari geek.

I'd fill those Geth and krogan with lots and lots of lead  
For the galaxy to see and hear.

*Enter Williams and Alenko, pointing their fingers like guns and 'shooting' Anderson and Udina, who flail about as if shot*

SHEPARD:

With each loud "bang bang bang,"  
Geth would fall like leaves upon the ground,  
As if to say "Here comes a Spectre."

*All begin bouncing in alternate rhythm, doing deep knee bends*

Oompah Oompah Oompah Oompah Oompah

SHEPARD:

If I were a Spectre,  
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.  
All day long I'd beat up on the Geth.  
If I were a Spectre chick.  
I would hunt for Saren.  
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.  
If I were a Spectre chick,  
Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man.

*Shepard does a flourish and bow and Tali blows kisses. Anderson, Udina, Williams, and Alenko kneel and waves their arms*

ASARI COUNCILOR:

Commander Shepard, please step forward.

TURIAN COUNCILOR:

This is a very auspicious moment.

SALARIAN COUNCILOR:

Spectres are not made, but are born to sing and dance, forged in the fires of performance.

*All bow*

***Curtain***


	3. That 60's Planet

W/N - Get out your tie dye and bandana, dudes!

The Dawning of a New Age!

Starring:  
Shepard  
Liara T'Soni  
Alenko  
Williams  
Wrex  
Garrus  
Tali  
Lady Benezia  
Asari commandos  
The Geth  
With special guest star - The Rachni Queen

*Curtain rises*

*Shepard leads the team into the Hot Labs on Peak 15 where they find Lady Benezia, dressed in tie dye with a bandana and Birkenstocks. She wears flowers in her head fringes.*

*Benezia points to the Rachni Queen, which wears a floral skirt and a flower lei*

BENEZIA: (Pops some pills)

There is gnarley power in being a mother. My children are all here now, dude!

SHEPARD: (Looks back and forth between Liara and the Rachni)

I don't see the family resemblance. Is there something about you that I don't know?

BENEZIA: (Accusing)

What have you told Shepard about me, Liara?

LIARA: (Distressed, gesticulating wildly)

What could I say, Mother? That you're insane? How to kill you? What could I say?

BENEZIA:

Have you faced an asari commando unit before?

*Commandos rush in, wearing tie dye and bandanas with flower face paint. Geth come in besides them and they start playing hacky sack together. Psychedelic colors flash as brass instruments begin to play.*

BENEZIA:

Few humans have….

LIARA: (Slides in front of everyone and does a quick tap routine before tossing her head back and splaying her arms)

When my Moooom has lost her mind  
Because she diiiid too many drugs  
Then Geth will take the planets  
And we will search the stars

COMMANDOS: (Spreading out and spinning in place with broad smiles)

This is the dawning of the invasion of Noveria  
Invasion of Noveria  
Noveria!  
Noveria!

SHEPARD: (Takes Liara's hand and they dance together)

Crazy biotics and lots of krogan  
Protheans and burning lava  
Rachni and husks around us  
All because of stupid Saren  
Bringing back those mystic Reapers  
But now it's time to save  
Noveria!  
Noveria!

ALENKO: (Tosses his head back and tips his helmet as he prances in front of everyone)

When the laaaabs are full of Geth  
And commandos all around  
Then we will kick your hairy butts  
And the Mu Relay will be ours!

COMMANDOS: (Holding hands and circling Benezia and then swaying back and forth as Benezia throws flowers)

This is the dawning of the invasion of Noveria  
Invasion of Noveria  
Noveria!  
Noveria!

*Benezia pops a bunch of pills and glows blue, but then fades and falls. All commandos and Geth fall with her*

BENEZIA:

People are not themselves around Saren. They come to idolize him. It's like taking a drug.

WREX:

You _were_ taking drugs.

BENEZIA:

Okay, besides that.

*Benezia falters and slides to the ground. Reaches out to Liara.*

Good night little wing. I will see you again with the dawn.

LIARA:

Mother! Don't leave! There's always rehab!

BENEZIA: (fading)

Methadone…they always said methadone would work.

*Liara runs to Benezia while Shepard checks out the Rachni Queen. One of the commandos stands back up, looking stoned.*

STONED COMMANDO: (Speaking for the Rachni Queen)

Picture yourself on a ship in an orbit

With tangerine moons and guava jam skies  
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly  
The Rachni with tentacle eyes

Funny kind flowers of yellow and green,  
Towering over your head.  
Look for the Rachni with tentacle eyes,  
And she's gone.

Rachni in the sky with diamonds.  
Rachni in the sky with diamonds.  
Rachni in the sky with diamonds.

SHEPARD:

Whoa, you guys partied way too hard. Get out of here. Sleep it off.

STONED COMMANDO:

You would let us go? You would forgive us?

SHEPARD:

How could I kill a bug with a skirt and a flower lei?

STONED COMMANDO:

We will sing of your forgiveness! We will sing! SING!

SHEPARD:

No, no, no! It's cool. Just go.

*Rachni gives everyone a hug and a shaka sign and then shuffles off. Exit stage left.*

*Curtains*


	4. A West Feros Side Story of the Opera

W/N - Enjoy! Many thanks for singing along. Next up - Some enchanted evening...you will see a Reaper!

Other malarkey - Two days until the Kendo Nidan exam. Practicing _Mittsu no Sen - _timing your attack into the opponent by reading his timing, breathing, distance, eyes (metsuke). Pistol team practice.

A West Feros Side Story of the Opera

Starring:  
Shepard  
Liara T'Soni  
Alenko  
Williams  
Wrex  
Garrus  
Tali  
Fai Dan  
Random colonists  
The Geth  
Joker  
Special Guest Star - The Thorian

*Curtain rises*

*The team enters Zhu's Hope, where the colonists stand guard*

SHEPARD:

What's going on here? This colony is in bad shape.

COLONIST #1:

Speak to Fai Dan.

GARRUS:

What is the state of your defenses?

COLONIST #2:

Speak to Fai Dan.

ALENKO:

Why was there no distress call?

COLONIST #3:

Speak to Fai Dan.

SHEPARD:

I guess we should speak to Fai Dan. Where can I get a cup of coffee around here?

ALL COLONISTS:

Speak to Fai Dan.

*The team heads to see Fai Dan*

SHEPARD:

So, what's going on here? How can we help?

FAI DAN: (shrugs)

There's a lot of Geth around, but other than that, I don't really know. You should talk to the colonists.

SHEPARD:

But they sent me to _you_.

FAI DAN: (goofy smile)

Sorry.

SHEPARD: (sighs)

_(spoken)_  
Fai Dan . . .  
_(sings)_  
The most confused leader I've ever met:  
Fai Dan . . .  
I feel like I'm chasing my tail . . .  
Fai Dan!  
I've just met a bloke named Fai Dan,  
They said go talk to him  
But he really knew nothing  
that helps.  
Fai Dan!

*Geth begin shooting from the tower and the team sweeps the Geth away in a hail of gunfire. They wipe out the transmitter, get the water started and bring back Varren carcasses to eat.*

SHEPARD:

I've just saved the colony of Zhu's Hope,  
And when I told him so  
He didn't seem to know  
That they're safe!  
Fai Dan!

The most confused leader I've ever met.  
Fai Dan.

*The team boards the Mako and drives to the ExoGeni building*

*A woman runs out and shoots Tali, but her shields just absorb the shot*

LIZBETH: (Slap her own forehead)

Doh! Sorry, I hate it when I do that.

TALI: (Irritated)

You do that often? Uh, never mind. What are you doing here?

LIZBETH:

We have to destroy the Thorian! It's controlling the colonists' minds. But first we have to knock down these barriers. There's a Geth ship stuck on the outside of the building! If we can find a way to dislodge it-

*Alenko leans on a lever, which moves. He stumbles in surprise.*

WILLIAMS:

What did you do, lieutenant?

ALENKO:

I….uh…ooops. *Shrugs with an embarrassed smile*

*Doors slam down on the claws of the Geth ship, sheering them off. The ship falls off the building and crashes on the ground below. Barriers fade.*

ALENKO:

Hey, I meant to do that.

*The team boards the Mako and rushes back to Zhu's hope. Grotesque creatures and mad colonists attack*

JOKER: (over the radio)

Help, I need somebody  
Help, not just anybody  
Help, colonists are banging  
He e e e elp

SHEPARD:

Just hold on, Joker. We have a secret weapon.

WREX:

No.

SHEPARD:

Yes.

GARRUS: (shaking his head emphatically)

No. Not that.

SHEPARD:

Yes, that. The Holy Hand Grenade of-

WILLIAMS:

Thorian Gas! Yes!

*Garrus and Wrex sigh*

SHEPARD, WILLIAMS, and ALENKO

Iesu domine…. *Shepard throws grenade, which bursts into gas, knocking out all of the colonists. The team journeys deep into the tunnels underneath Zhu's Hope and they find the massive Thorian, a sentient plant that controls the minds of its thralls. The Thorian wears a black tuxedo and has a white mask covering half of its face.*

TALI:

Whoa, what is that?

SHEPARD:

It's…it's big.

*Slime froths up from the Thorian's mouth and out pops an asari.*

LIARA:

Don't tell me that thing just barfed up an asari.

TALI:

It did.

LIARA: (disgusted face)

I said don't tell me.

*sinister organ music begins to play*

BARFED UP ASARI, SHI'ALA

You tiny scurriers, your brief lives will end soon.

SHEPARD:

What is the Thorian? What does it do?

*organ music builds*

SHI'ALA: (Sliding across the floor, looking longingly back at the Thorian)  
With spores he sang to me  
In dreams he came  
That voice that calls to me and speaks my name  
And do I dream again for now I find  
The Thorian of the Opera is there  
Inside my mind

THORIAN: (Making deep, woofing noises)  
My spores fill the air  
Resist, you'll not dare  
My power over you grows stronger yet  
And though you turn from me to glance behind  
The Thorian of the Opera is there  
Inside your mind

SHEPARD:  
Those who have seen your face  
Draw back in fear  
Those spores make lives so drear

THORIAN:  
It's me they hear...

ALL: (Pirouetting around the Thorian as creepers waltz between them)  
Your spirit and your voice in one combined  
The Thorian of the Opera is there  
Inside my mind

BACKGROUND: (Pointing)  
He's there, the Thorian of the opera!

LIARA: (Pointing)  
He's there, the Thorian of the opera

THORIAN: (Waving tendrils lovingly at Shi'ala)  
Sing, my Angel of Music  
Sing, my Angel  
Sing for me  
Sing, my Angel!  
Sing for me!

I got you from Saren  
to do my bidding  
for this kingdom where all must pay homage through spores

Spores!  
You have come here,  
for one purpose, and one alone  
Since the moment I first saw you,  
I have needed you with me,  
to serve me, to speak for me,  
for my spores...  
my spores...

*Creepers become threatening*

SHEPARD: (Disgusted look)

Talk about opposites attracting. Let em have it!

*The team unloads on the creepers and blasts off the neural nodes holding the Thorian up.*

*As the shooting dies away, Shi'ala kisses the Thorian on the tendril and it falls, disappearing into the abyss.*

*Curtains*


	5. Apocalypse Wow

**W/N - **Thanks everyone for singing along. Next up - Citadel! Citadel! From far off Ilos I hear your call! What do the Keeper folk do?

Other Malarkey - Passed the Kendo Nidan (2nd degree black belt) exam, defeating both opponents in the test. The Force was with me. Ei ei ei oooh! (samurai cheer)

**Apocalypse Wow**

Starring:  
Shepard  
Liara T'Soni  
Kaidan Alenko  
Ashley Williams  
Urdnot Wrex  
Garrus Vakarian  
Tali  
Sand Crabs  
The Geth  
Mindless Indoctrinated salarians  
Rana Thanoptis

Special Guest Star – Saren Arterius

*Curtain rises*

*The _Normandy _drops the Mako into the surf. Shepard, in a black N7 bathing suit, steps out of the tank and removes a surfboard. Alenko follows, wearing swim trunks and sunglasses. Liara squeezes out in a yellow, polkadot bikini. Garrus and Tali exit last, looking around at the sand.*

GARRUS:

This place is a lot like my homeworld of Palaven.

TALI: (admiring the view)

This is reeeeally beautiful, Garrus!

*A wave comes and knocks them both over*

ALENKO:

Waawaawaawaaaaa…wipeout.

*Guitar jamming music blasts from the Mako*

*Virmire sand crabs scurry around everyone and slide on the water*

SAND CRAB:

I'm an alien crustacean  
In a big wave nation  
And I surf in celebration  
Of a billion adaptations

Got me a big wave, ride me a big wave, got me a big wave  
Got me a big wave, ride me a big wave, got me a big wave…kowabunga!

SHEPARD: (watching crabs)

Whoa, that was weird. So, Liara, you've been around the galaxy in a lot of weird places. What do you think about this planet?

*soft orchestral music begins to play from the Mako*

LIARA:  
Most sapients live on lonely planets,  
Lost in the middle of a nebula.  
Most people long for another planet,  
One where they know they will like to be.

*music builds and Liara waltzes through the shallow surf with Shepard following.*

Vir-mi-re may call you,  
Any night, any day,  
In your heart, you'll hear it call you:  
"Come away...Come away."

Vir-mi-re will whisper  
In the wind of the sea:  
"Here am I, your special planet!  
Come to me, come to me!"

Saren has his research,  
Crazy krogan he will breed,  
We are screwed if he completes it  
Indoctrinated we will be.  
If you try, you'll find him  
Where the sky meets the sea.  
"Here am I, your rogue Spectre  
Come to me, Come to me."

Vir-mi-re,  
Vir-mi-re,  
Vir-mi-re!

*Shepard walks with Liara, listening to her words. She sets down the surfboard and they sit on it.*

SHEPARD:

Soon you'll fling Geth with your Singularity,  
They'll fly through a floating cloud,  
You'll hear me call you,  
that it's time to take down Saren,  
Sweet and clear as can be:  
"Come to me, here am I, come to me."  
If we try, we will find him  
Where the sky meets the sea.  
"Here he is, our rogue Spectre  
Come to me, Come to me."

Vir-mi-re,  
Vir-mi-re,  
Vir-mi-re!

*Birds fly by and tweet.*

*Then, explosions erupt around them as the Geth attack. Shepard hands Alenko another surfboard.*

SHEPARD: (puts on a blue cavalry hat and a yellow scarf, seemingly unconcerned with the enemy fire)

The waves are magnificent! Let's get out there!

ALENKO: (wincing with each explosion)

What? We're under attack!

SHEPARD: (practically throwing Alenko out into the waves)

You either surf or fight! If I say it's safe to surf this beach then it's safe to surf this beach. Now get out there! Saren don't surf!

*The Mako plays the cavalry bugle charge and Shepard and Alenko ride their surfboard out. They catch a wave right into the Geth and shoot them. The two slide easily up onto the sand and Shepard blows smoke off of the muzzle of her rifle.*

ALENKO: (looks at her longingly)

Little Spectre little one  
Made my heart come all undone  
Do you love me, do you Spectre girl  
Spectre girl my little Spectre girl  
I have watched you on the ship  
At FTL we really zip  
Do you love me do you Spectre girl  
Spectre girl Spectre girl

We could ride the stars together  
While our love would grow  
In my spaceship I would take you everywhere I go  
So I say from me to you  
I will make your dreams come true  
Do you love me do you Spectre girl  
Spectre girl my little Spectre girl

SHEPARD: (looks up and points)

It's Saren's secret base!

*Wrex and Ashley join them, but Ashley goes off with the salarian STG and the team rushes through the base, blasting Geth and krogan. Mindless indoctrinated salarians run around. The team heads upstairs and meets a cowering asari.*

RANA THANOPTIS: (putting her hands up)

Wait! Don't shoot!

SHEPARD:

What are you doing here?

RANA:

I was a scientist for Saren's research. He's got this big ship, see? It's called _Sovereign_ and it takes control of your mind. Saren's got all of his research up in the tower. Here's the key. (hands Shepard a pass card)

SHEPARD:

Thanks. Now you better get to stepping because I'm going to blow this place to hell and gone.

RANA: (makes exaggerated steps with her leather boots)

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do  
Just right now these boots are gonna walk away from you

Are you ready, boots?  
Start walkin' (Rana shrieks and runs away)

*As twilight approaches, the team uses the pass card and enters Saren's private facility. They see a Prothean beacon and it lights up. A menacing red, buglike hologram appears.*

ALENKO: (startled)

Whoa, what's that?

TALI:

Some sort of alien VI?

*Stirring music builds*

SOVEREIGN:

Some enchanted evening  
You may meet a Reaper,  
you may see a Reaper  
Across a guarded base  
And somehow you know,  
You know even then  
That somewhere you'll see it  
Again and again.

Some enchanted evening  
The krogan may be shooting,  
You may see them shooting you  
Across a guarded base  
And night after night,  
As strange as it seems  
The sound of their fire  
Will sing in your dreams.

Who can explain it?  
Who can tell you why?  
Fools give you reasons,  
Organics never try.

SHEPARD:

Some enchanted evening  
When you find the Reaper,  
When you feel it call you  
Across a guarded base,  
Then fly to that side,  
And make it regret  
All the life its wiped out  
And save all people.

Once you have found it,  
Never let it go.  
Once you have found it,  
Never let it go!

*The glass in the room shatters and the Reaper fades. The team fights their way out and disables the AA guns. The _Normandy_ brings the nuke to blow up the base. Then, Saren attacks. Explosions erupt and Shepard and the team run for cover. Saren floats out on his platform.*

SHEPARD: (behind cover)

Why are you doing this? You were a Spectre once!

SAREN:

If you must know the truth, I'm just a mean guy.

*sinister drums beat*

Fie on goodness, fie  
Fie on goodness, fie  
Years of being a good boy for the Council  
Making sure that the meek are treated well  
Years of philanthropic labor  
Derry down dell  
Damn, but it's hell  
Oh, fie on goodness, fie  
Fie, fie, fie

It's been depressing all the way  
And getting glummer every day

So, bring the Reapers back, I say!

*Shepard attacks and drives Saren off. They place the nuke and go to save Ashley, but another attack forces the team back to the nuke where Alenko is wounded and they are forced to set the bomb and evacuate.

SHEPARD: (tries to go back for Ash, but there are too many Geth)

Hang on, Ash, we're coming for you!

WILLIAMS:

There's no time, commander! You have to go!

*The team drags Shepard on board and the _Normandy _flies away, leaving Ashley with a few salarians.*

WILLIAMS:

One, two, three,  
What are we fighting for?  
Don't make a fuss,  
I won't die a wuss.

Five, six, seven,  
Open up the pearly gates  
There ain't no time to wonder why,  
We're all going to die.

*Bright flash and mushroom cloud*

*Curtains*


	6. Mass Effect: the Interview

**W/N - **Every have one of those weird moments when a totally corny scene pops into your head? I was also smitten by Elchol Hamlet and I about squirted coffee when I heard that one on the elevator scene in ME. I was a huge Shakespeare nut back in the day and played Ophelia in HS as well as being a handmaid in R&J recycled as a courtier, Lady Anne in Richard III, and the second string Lady Macbeth/knight holding up a Birnam Wood tree. :P

Other malarkey - Worked on the Iaido Okuden set from Shihogiri to Tsuredachi. Then, we did kumitachi or paired practice with bokken to work on distance and cutting technique. I did some tameshigiri practice as well, cutting tatami mats with live sharpened sword. Too much fun.

**Mass Effect: the Interview**

As dusk settles, a crowd gathers in front of the theatre as a limosine pulls up to a red carpet. Flashes of light burst from the crowd as fans clamor to get pictures. The door opens and a woman in a black cocktail dress steps out, her feet wrapped in stiletto high heels. As the throngs bustle and wave, the woman blows a kiss to gathering and walks over to an Asian woman standing just to the side.

EMILY (In a red silk dress holding a microphone): This is Emily Wong of Citadel Entertainment Tonight and I bring you an exclusive interview with Commander Jane Shepard, Spectre turned actress and the star of Mass Effect, the Musical. Here with me right now just before the final night of the musical is Jane Shepard herself!

SHEPARD (Holding a bouquet of flowers): Thank you Emily, I'm really excited to be here. This musical has been a great experience for me and the crew.

EMILY: Commander –

SHEPARD: Call me Jane.

EMILY (Big smile): Thank you, Jane. You've been really good to me these past years ever since Fist and that controller story. I can't thank you enough.

SHEPARD: It's been a great relationship, Emily. You never let up on that Reaper story and you brought the truth to the people. That Khalisa woman was only interested in ratings (waves hand dismissively).

EMILY: And we see where it got her! Hah, traffic court reporter for the Wards! (both laugh) Anyway, Jane, Mass Effect the Musical brought something different to the fans. It was quirky, it was edgy…what was the best thing that you remember about the show?

SHEPARD (finger on lips): Well Em, I gotta say that the dance routines really hit it for me. We trained day and night and the instructor…what a Nazi! (rolls her eyes) But you know, come opening night, we were dancing with the stars.

EMILY: Did anyone have difficulty with the dancing?

SHEPARD: (sighs) You know…we had to bring in several dancers from Omega to teach Wrex. I love him to death, but he has no rhythm. Two left feet too. (both laugh)

EMILY: Now Kaidan has a voice. I didn't know he could sing like that.

SHEPARD: (points to her throat) He does this biotic thing with his vocal cords…a-mazing!

EMILY: Now Jane, the fans are all asking, you know, about any off stage romance between you two. You two have this…chemistry. You and Kaidan have been seen dining at some fancy places recently.

SHEPARD: Those are just rumors started by the paparazzi. Kaidan and I are just friends. (Kaidan comes up from behind and kisses the back of Jane's neck)

EMILY: Well, there we have it! Live on Citadel Entertainment! (Jane coughs nervously) So, what sort of projects will you two be working on next…other than saving the galaxy?

KAIDAN: Well, Em, we're backing Francis Kitts' Elchor Shakespeare festival. It's going to rock.

EMILY (skeptical): Uhhh, wasn't Elchor Hamlet enough?

KAIDAN: Oh, no way. Elchor Hamlet was a huge blockbuster! (expressionless, monotone) Contemplatively depressed: To be…or not to be. Sarcastic: Not so my lord; I am too much in the sun. Great stuff!

EMILY: Ummm, yeah. So, what's on tap with the festival?

SHEPARD: It's going to be monstrous! More gripping than baby human Reapers! We're starting with Elchor Henry V.

KAIDAN: (expressionless monotone) Inspiring: We few…we happy few…we band of brothers. And Richard III! Pleading desperately: A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.

SHEPARD: And my favorite, Romeo and Juliet (looks longingly sideways at Kaidan). (expressionless monotone) Swooning: O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Convincing: Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

KAIDAN: Or this one! (expressionless monotone) Lovestruck exhortation: Lady, by yonder blessed moon I swear – that tips with silver all these fruit tree tops.

SHEPARD: (expressionless monotone) Chastising rebuke: O swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon. I love that line! (pecks Kaidan on the cheek)

EMILY: Umm, there we have it. I…can't wait.

SHEPARD: We got you front row tickets, Em. Well, come on in. The show's about to start.


End file.
